Swedish, single, and....Jewish???

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

2009-02-16T15:40:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone. Sorry for my ridiculously long absence. I just wanted to post briefly about a dear friend who has left this world, in the hopes that writing about her passing will help me to confirm that it is a reality.

My friend Shira, z"l, passed away this past week after a 9 year battle with Hodgkin's disease. She was the wife of our former JLIC rabbi and one of the loveliest people I have ever been blessed enough to know. I met her when she and her husband and son moved to the area back in the summer of 2007, and got to know her through various Hillel events and also through babysitting her son. Though she was not well during her time in the Midwest, Shira always had this luminous smile on her face and an ear for anyone who needed to talk. In the early months of 2008, the family decided to return to Israel in the hopes that Shira's condition would improve. Always gracious, Shira never complained or indulged in self-pity--even though she certainly would have had the right to, given the pain and fatigue she suffered almost daily. Her focus instead was always on her family and her community. Many people speak about how important the Torah is, but Shira truly lived its teachings. I thought many times how much I admired her and aspired to be even a fraction of the magnificent woman she was. I know in times of loss we tend to remember only the best qualities about a person, as is human nature. But Shira was different, she really was an exceptional woman, friend, wife, and mother. I didn't get to be a part of her life for an extended time, but that didn't matter because she was the kind of woman you knew you were instantly lifelong friends with. I will always remember our chats after I would watch her son while she attended her numerous doctors' appointments, and our Shabbos walks to and from shul. We talked about so many things, and I really felt like I could ask her for help or advice without judgment. I will miss her terribly, and regret that I was not able to see her for quite some time as I never made it to Israel to visit as I had hoped to do. What I am sure of, though, is that the light of her spirit will never leave me, nor any of the people she touched during her short time here on earth.

26 years just doesn't seem long enough for such a warm and loving neshama to be on this earth... July 1982-February 2009...

Good-bye, dearest Shira, I will miss you so but know that always you are with me.

-Hila

A long time gone...

2008-09-17T22:20:00.019-05:00

Hey there folks! I'm sure everyone has presumed this blog dead, but I assure you, it is not...I've just been overwhelmed over the last several months. Some of the reasons for my hectic life haven't been the most positive, but for the most part, things are good in my life. I am finally about to complete cosmetology school (I had to take some time off for personal/medical reasons and also to visit family) and enter the *gasp* real world. I'm scared and nervous but also very excited to get my career started.

Anyhoo, just for fun I thought I'd post some photos on the many changes my hair has seen throughout the last year or so since some of my friends have asked to see pictures (and I have to admit that I do change my hair on what seems to be a weekly basis :0). What can I say, I'm in the hair/makeup/fashion industry, I have to showcase my creativity somehow! Hope you enjoy!

See you all around soon...

Hila

D'var Torah??

2008-04-16T19:45:00.003-05:00

Help! I have to give the D'var Torah for Reform Services at Hillel Friday evening...I didn't realize what I was getting myself into, I got an e-mail and thought they needed song leaders (which I have done before and am comfortable with) but apparently the girl in charge thought I was offering to do the D'var...*gulp* I've never done one before and I want to say something meaningful and relevant to the audience (college kids, naturally). Any suggestions? I've checked out the page at URJ but I am not sure how to translate this parsha into anything relevant to the people I'll be addressing. If you have any suggestions please feel free to leave them in the comments or email soon2bejew@gmail.com. Thanks!

-Hila

"The Pimps' Slaves"

2008-03-20T20:22:00.002-05:00

In the wake of the Eliot Spitzer drama, Frank Rich writes about the larger problem prostitution poses for American society: the thousands of abused girls who are trapped without hope for escape or rescue. Check it out.

The Pimps' Slaves

Wow

2008-01-28T19:15:00.000-06:00

So I've been gone for quite some time--my apologies. Lots of things to post about, but they'll have to wait.

Here's a short list though, just for fun:

*School adventures...or lack thereof ;-)
*My brush with death...aka the epic tale of the biatch who crashed into my car because she was on her cell phone and not looking
*My current obsession with Guitar Hero
*My newly purchased Mac Book
*My new Kodak Easy Share digital camera--which has brought me out of the stone age :-)
*Adventures with hair color---or the saga of how to get plum purple back to platinum blonde without it falling out.
*My weight loss regimen, gym misadventures, and tanning bed foibles
*Dating catastrophes and why I will probably end up a spinster...

Yeah, I know you are all excited ;-) Hahahaah stay tuned, dear readers!

life...and other things

2007-11-06T10:02:00.000-06:00

First off, sorry for my absence! Things have been crazy around here lately, but rest assured, I'm alive :-)

To update the 3 of you that read (used to read? ;-)) this, I have decided to pursue my passion and am going to Cosmetology school. Some of you may be scratching your heads and going "huh?" Let me elaborate a bit. Ever since I was about 13 years old, whenever I was asked what I would do if I could do anything in the world, if I could have my "dream job" I would always reply "I would love to be a celebrity hairstylist and makeup artist." I just never thought that I could make that dream come true, because I 'had' to go to college, get a degree, and find a career. I entered college as a freshman unsure of what I wanted to pursue because I have so many different interests, both intellectual and otherwise, but none of which seemed to really click for me. I thought about becoming an interpreter and translator, possibly working for the State Department or the UN. I contemplated going into social work, working for a non-profit or NGO. Still, nothing really pulled at my heart and said "this is what you're meant to do."

To be honest, I really had quite a hangup about pursuing my dream because of all of the support and encouragement I got while growing up. I know that sounds strange, because my parents always told me I could be anything I wanted to be, and do anything I wanted to do. It's just that I was always told that I was smart enough to do anything, and while I hate to admit it, a big part of me thought that I would be a disappointment to the people in my life if I decided on a career in the beauty industry solely because "I could do so much more." I know that makes me sound shallow, but when you're used to hearing how much potential you have, it makes it hard to choose something that to some people may not be the best use of your talents. Luckily for me, I was beyond wrong. My parents were extremely supportive, and are still. My father told me "If you do what you love, you will never work a day in your life." Well, I'm loving Cosmetology so far, and I can tell that this is really what I want to do. It is such a liberating feeling to be pursuing my dream and not caring if anyone is judging me for it. Like it says on SerandEz, "Be yourself, because the people who care don't matter, and the people who matter don't care." Boy, is that true. I have received nothing but positive feedback when telling people that I am doing Cosmetology, and in fact most of them were like "it's about time!"

So anyway, that's pretty much what's new with me. Along with trying to have a bit of a social life and stay involved with Jewish life. It's great too because my school is in the same city as the University I attended, so I'm still close to all of my friends from college and get to participate in campus Jewish life as if I were still at the University.

Hope everyone is doing well. I'll try not to be absent for so long of a stretch in the future.

-Hila

Apples & Honey

2007-09-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone! L'shanah Tovah!

I will be in Seattle for Rosh Hashanah this year, which should prove to be an interesting experience. My Mormon sister HAD to pick the 15th for her wedding, and, being the loving little sister I am, did not complain. Nu, you're thinking, what's the problem? Rosh Hashanah will be over by the 15th, though it is Shabbos. Right, well, in order to be out there with plenty of cushion-time in case of emergencies, delays, etc, we have to leave tomorrow morning. And yeah, she's getting married on Saturday evening, which is still Shabbos. I've basically decided I have to let it go--there are too many other external factors going into her wedding planning/considerations that my wishes/needs have to be left alone. I wish it could be differently, but this is my sister and she's only getting married once (Mormons do this peculiar thing they call "sealing" which means that when you get married, you're married for all of eternity. Yikes!) so I suppose I can suck it up and be involved. LOL no, seriously, I am excited about the wedding and all of that stuff--and besides, it's not like HaShem is gonna get too peeved, I'm not "official" yet anyway. So pffft.

Ok, enough rambling about me---I hope all of you have a sweet and happy New Year and eat lots of good food! (Who am I kidding, Jews are professional eaters--you all will be stuffed!)

Shalom!

-Hila

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

2007-09-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

Ok this is going to be a pretty boring post. Oh, wait, that's how ALL of my posts are, LOL! :-p

Anyhooz, this summer has been a rough one, but it has also brought about some changes in my life that I am very excited about. I have started working out and eating better, and am well on my way to being the "best me" I can be. If anyone is interested, I highly recommend Bob Greene's "The Best Life Diet" because it's really about making a lifestyle change, not just being on a diet.

This is really cheesy but the reason I was inspired to post today was because I just got my hair cut and it is suuuuuuper cute! It's the little things in life, I guess you could say. See, I'm sort of in the process of growing my hair out after an incident last winter when I decided that I'd look good as a redhead (when I'm platinum blonde naturally---ha ha that was fun, not!). Anyway, my hair is back to it's natural Marilyn Monroe hue, but unfortunately it had taken on a bit of a mullet-ish look. And as attractive as mullets are, I just wasn't really feelin' it. So I made an appointment with my fabulous hairstylist and voila! I'll post a picture on here if I can figure out how to rig my brother's digital camera, but imagine a modified version of Posh Spice's hairstyle.

Ok, enough of my lame blather about hairstyles and diets, I have laundry to get out of the dryer. Hope that everyone is having a good week---just think, Shabbos is just a day away!

Shalom,

Hila

Chipmunk-y

2007-08-31T18:40:00.000-05:00

Shabbat Shalom, everyone! Just a quick note to say thanks again for all of the kindness in the past few days, and always, of course.

I'm just checking in to let you know (for those of you who didn't know already) that my surgery this morning went well--all the wisdom teeth came out without complication :-) Apparently I told my mother in the recovery room that I felt like I had just been on an "acid trip" which totally made her laugh, naturally, as I haven't the slightest idea what that would be like. I do remember that I felt like I wasn't under for very long and that I saw lots of colors and weird things like a strange dream. Anyway, the only downside so far has been that since my lower left tooth was impacted it caused pain immediately after I woke up from anesthesia, but good ol' Vicodin has taken care of that.

Sadly, I'm not supposed to talk much or do anything but rest, so my regular Shabbat routine has been canceled. Instead I will be curled up on the couch in my parents home drinking apple juice and tomato soup. *sigh* I guess it could be worse! I wish all of you a wonderful Labor Day Weekend and Shabbat Shalom!

Rest In Peace

2007-08-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

Thank-you to everyone who called or wrote and who said a prayer or sent warm thoughts. The Brick family decided to remove Rob's life support Sunday evening at 8 pm. He passed away at 8:22. He was 40 years old.

The visitation is Thursday evening and the funeral with military rites is Friday morning. My younger brother will be a pall bearer. While I am saddened by Rob's passing, I cannot even put into words how torn up my brother is right now, he was like the third child in the Brick family. Anyway, it is hard to believe he is gone now, but I hope that he has found peace.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

In peace,

hila

A decision no one ever wants to make

2007-08-26T12:50:00.001-05:00

This will be a brief post. Things have been hectic here, to say the least... This past Thursday a friend of my family was in a terrible motorcycle accident and has been in the hospital ICU on a ventilator and unconscious ever since. This man, his wife, and his children were our neighbors for 7 years and their children were like extra siblings for my younger brother, who is very close in age to them. Today they are faced with the horrible decision of whether or not to keep him on his life support...My brother is on his way there as I write this, and I know that the family is waiting until he gets there to make their decision. How I wish it were not a decision they had to make. I am praying fervently that Hashem gives them peace and comfort in this time of devastating confusion.

While I do not normally use people's real names on here, in this situation I feel that it is necessary. If you are so inclined, please pray for Robert Brick and his family--wife Tammy, daughter Morgan, and son Andrew. Thank you.

I hope to return to blogging on a more positive note in the near future...

Testing, testing...1,2...

2007-08-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

Hello there blogland! Sorry it's been ages since I've posted! Although, to be fair, the book meme (see below) was actually done just a couple of days ago but I can't figure out how to change the date from the date I started it as a draft to the date it was actually published. *sigh* Oh well, I remain technologically challenged--what else is new? :-P

So I decided to copy a page from the Brooklyn Wolf and post a weight-loss tracker on my blog. I may or may not post about my diet/lifestyle change attempts from time to time, we shall see.

Also, I copied from AidelMaideland decided to post a map of the countries I've visited. Next up will be the states I've visited. Just thought it was kind of a fun idea.

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Hmm...let's see... nothing much to report here for me, just gearing up to go back to school and evaluating the various options I have, but more on that later. In the meantime, MAZEL TOV to RaggedyMom on the birth of her new baby boy!

Oooh, look Ma, another meme!

2007-07-24T12:34:00.000-05:00

Look at the list of books below: Bold the ones you’ve read. Mark in blue (or aqua ;-)) the ones you want to read. Cross out/strikethrough the ones you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (or mark them some other way if you can't figure out how to strike through text--I used green) Finally, italicize the ones you've never heard of.

I've read a fair amount of these (didn't like all of them, but ehh) and some I was like "wth is that???" Enjoy. I'm tagging RaggedyMom and Orieyenta because CYM already did this one :-P

1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery) The movies are better but I still liked it.
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) Only so my friends will quit bugging me about it LOL!
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling) Again only so my friends will leave me alone.
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) It was good but then I read Geisha: A Life (Mineko Iwasaki) whom Golden based Memoirs on and she claims that he fabricated so much of the book that she was ashamed, so then I was a little peeved.
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Rowling) See above.
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling) Ahem.
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte) High school Honors English. 'Nuff said ;-)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) Oh, high school Honors English LOL!
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis) Didn't read it but I have the BBC-produced movies (there are 2 on VHS)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck) I HATE Steinbeck. Ugh. I read The Red Pony in 6th grade and Of Mice and Men in 7th and again in 9th grade English and loathed it both times, and The Grapes of Wrath in 12th grade, again, I hated it.
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell) 9th grade book report
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant) She came to speak at my University and I felt dumb because everyone but me had read it--even my non-Jewish friends! Oh well, her "Choosing a Jewish Life" is a fave so I guess it's all good :-)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible --I've read the Christian version in several variations, as well as the TaNaKh (translated of course)
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas) I liked the movie but I have no desire to read the book.
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt) One of my all time favorites
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) Again, I repeat, I HATE STEINBECK.
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) Technically I didn’t really read it so much as sleep through it…
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens) Why was I tortured in English class?
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald) 9th grade English
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling) Enough with the HP already! :-p
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy) Don't necessarily plan on reading it any time soon but I figure to be considered "well-read" it's kind of a must, right?
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding) Saw the movies which were great but I still want to read the book.
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White) One of my favorites as a kid
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) YUCK.
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams) 9th grade English, totally creeped me out but I loved it :-P
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding) Yuck. 12th grade English. Though my bff and I still get a chuckle out of quoting some lines from it.
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)Read it just this spring, couldn’t put it down.
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) 8th grade English. Hated it.
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Bonus: The Princess Bride (William Goldman) I’ve seen the movie, does that count?

I've been tagged! Aaaaaaah!

2007-07-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, so I guess I have been in hiding for too long. Orieyenta has tagged me so I suppose I should finally get off my lazy tuchis and do this ;-) Thanks, O, for making me come back to the blogosphere, it has been too long!

Here we go:

The Rules are:
~ Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves.
~ The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed.
~ At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. I am addicted to The Learning Channel, the Food Network, Lifetime, and HGTV. I can't help it. :-p

2. I am a Diet Pepsi fanatic. I can stomach Diet Coke, but if I have the choice, Diet Pepsi is the one for me!

3. I love love love love love studying other cultures, but religions in particular interest me. Of course, my love of travel goes hand in hand with that.

4. My secret dream job is to be a hairstylist and celebrity makeup artist.

5. As a kid, I wanted to be Shirley Temple. I even had a Care Bears cake for my fourth birthday that said "Happy Birthday, Shirley Temple" Yeah, I guess you could say I was a bit obsessed...Thank goodness my mom indulged me and didn't send me to a shrink! :-)

6. I used to do beauty pageants. Yup, you got that right, interviews, speeches, swimsuits, evening gowns and all. Big hair and fake eyelashes, the whole nine yards. And I LOVED it. *sigh* You can take the girl out of the country... ;-)

7. I am an encyclopedia of song lyrics. More often than not, I know the band/singer and title as well, but I for sure know the lyrics to songs as far back as the 1950's all the way through today. I was raised on the "golden oldies" and I didn't know what "pop" music was until I was about 8 or 9--my favorite songs were Chantilly Lace by the Big Bopper and La Bamaba by Richie Valens! Today, however, I have been known to impress my friends with my awesome rapping skills ;-) Take that, P Diddy!

8. I can sleep almost any where, any time, on anything if I am tired enough. I cannot, however, sleep if any dresser drawers are open, or my closet door, or my bedroom door. Maybe I'm borderline OCD, I don't know, but those things simply drive me nuts until I'm forced to get up and close them all myself.

Ok, I don't even think that 8 people read this blog, but I guess I'll tag them anyway. I was going to tag RaggedyMom but I see she's already done it, so I'm tagging Elie, Fudge, JewCess (though she has been MIA since February so I don't know if she'll respond), aaaand...Well, I think that's about it. So get to it, folks!

BTW, does anyone know what the deal is with this new blogger? I can no longer add links or anything because it won't let me out of the HTML-edit-mode-thingy....I'd appreciate the help as I am feeling rather challenged. Thanks!

-Hila

Testing, testing...1,2...

2007-06-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

Hello there, bloggers! My sincerest apologies to the 3 of you who read this for not updating recently. I have been overwhelmed with work and family and household stuff the past couple of weeks, and therefore haven't had much time at all to sit down and blog. *sigh* I am beginning to understand what RenReb and Shifra were talking about when they have taken breaks from blogging---it's hard to have the time! I have tried to catch up on everyone's blog tonight since I had a few minutes to check in, but if I haven't left you a comment please forgive me!

I will try to write more in the next day or so, as I have a few topics I'd like to discuss. Let's just hope they don't all leave my brain before I get a chance jot them down. Ha. Ha. Fat chance of that.

Oh well. Hope all is well with everyone!

-Hila

Farewell

2007-05-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

Just stopping in to say that I won't be stopping in (probably) much in the next week or so. My younger brother is graduating from high school, and many of our relatives are going to be in town, so this coming week is going to be even more of a cleaning spree than the past week and a half has been. Oy. I will try to keep reading everyone else's blog while I'm on hiatus but that may not happen. Don't worry this isn't goodbye forever, or even for very long, just a week or so.

Also, my aunt Lois passed away this morning at 8:30 a.m. She lost her very long and tough battle with cancer after fighting and hanging on for almost 7 years. I will miss you.

Until soon...

Hebrew Names...Or, I stole this from Elie

2007-05-08T00:35:00.000-05:00

The following is a comment I left on Elie's site. I'd link to it but blogger is not letting me put in links at the moment. Pfft!

Very interesting topic, indeed. As a ger (in the process) I don't have parents or grandparents or anyone to name me. I go by Hila because my dear friend from Israel, Keren, said that I should have it as my Hebrew name because it means "halo" like an angel's halo--and that it fits me not only because my "real" name starts with an H, but also I am very blonde much like the gold of the halo of an angel, and that also my personality is very sweet. I'd say she was just sweet-talking me but I don't know what that would have gotten her ;-)

This past Shabbos I was having a chat with some friends and somehow my Hebrew name came up. All the rest of my friends said, no no we should give you a different name. So now the new rabbi (Ed. Note: by new rabbi I mean the potential replacement rabbi for our Hillel) and everyone is all about finding me a Hebrew name.

Addition: The rabbi asked me what kind of name I was wanting, if it mattered if it started with the same letter as my "real" name, etc. I said I wanted something with meaning, something representative of my personality and my own journey to Judaism. He suggested several lovely names, as did some of my close friends, including Noa, Ora, Hadassah, Nediva, and Zahavah. What do you all think? Please post opinions/ideas/suggestions for potential names in the comments section or e-mail me :-)

When my conversion is complete, I am not sure whether I want to take the traditional ____ bat Avraham Avienu v' Sarah Imenu. It's not that I don't want to be known as a convert/ger/ Jew-by-choice, but because I think I would feel a deeper connection if I could have "adoptive" Jewish parents. Maybe the rabbi and my tutor. Just a thought.

What are your opinions on that bit as well? I know it is a somewhat new and "controversial" thing but I read about it in Anita Diamant's book "Choosing a Jewish Life" and it struck me. I don't want to offend anyone, and of course I would be beyond honored to have Abraham and Sarah as my spiritual parents, but part of me also feels like I would have a deeper connection to everything if I could "adopt" Jewish parents. Let me know what you think, I value all of your opinions and insight!

-Hila (or ???)

...

2007-05-07T23:44:00.000-05:00

So right now I should be studying for finals. Buuuut, I don't want to. So I'm taking a break.

I don't really have anything too insightful to post at the moment. I'm stressed about school and everything, sad about the fact that many of my friends are graduating and will be moving away, and in general in a sort of ticked-off mood.

However, that being said, I do know that I have much to be grateful for (this seems to be a recurring theme on my blog :-))

I am excited that one of the staff members at my university's Hillel has agreed to help study with me under the supervision of an out-of-town (but not Out Of Town) rabbi so that I can finally get this whole conversion thing underway. This year has been so busy that I have not been able to organize any sort of formal classes or anything, and I have been frustrated to say the least. A big problem, as I have mentioned before, is the fact that I live in the middle of the cornfields and therefore don't have access to a large Jewish community. But I am lucky because the woman that I am going to be learning with is in the process of becoming an ordained Cantor in the Conservative movement, and has been teaching Bar/Bat Mitzvah and Hebrew classes since she was an undergraduate, so she has a very in-depth knowledge of Judaism. Okay, so she's not an Orthodox Rabbi, but she just about could be...Y'know, if there were women rabbis in Ortho Judaism ;-)

Anyhoo...so yeah, that's a comforting thing. I can't express how much I love learning about Judaism, how much time I spend looking through bookstores at all the books about Judaism and adding to my library, and how much joy it brings me to be among all of the members of the small but vibrant Jewish community here in the Midwest. I thank Hashem every day that I am able to learn and grow more, even if it is unconventional ways.

In other news, the JLIC couple that has been at our campus for the past three years is leaving, and I sad to see them go. I have grown very close to them and will miss them immensely. They won't be too far away, though, so hopefully I will get to visit. The potential, for lack of a better word, "replacement" rabbi was in town for Shabbos this past weekend and it was very nice to get to visit with him. What a funny man! He was able to relate to us students so well that it was if we had all known him for a long time already! He was making jokes with us and telling stories as if he were a college student himself, yet he had plenty of insightful questions and comments. We were sitting around after Shabbos lunch and somehow the topic came up about my conversion, and it was just so awesome how enthusiastic he was about talking to me and learning about my "story." I felt like he was genuinely interested in talking to me and getting to know me, as well as all of the other students, and that was really touching. We are all crossing our fingers that he chooses to come to our Hillel and not somewhere else!

Well, I think that's about it for my random, brain-dead ramblings... Time for my mush-brain to get back to studying!

-Hila

Bleeding Heart...

2007-05-01T18:09:00.000-05:00

The first draft of a poem I wrote yesterday is below. Let me know what you think! ;-)

Bleeding Heart
I read a book once, about women who lived only to build one another up
To fulfill in each of them a sense of belonging, love, and worthiness
I have wondered about these women, even though they are fictional characters
Wondering if they could exist, in part, in me

I feel a kinship with all of these women, but most of all, with the one called May
Named for her mother’s love of the Spring months
Representative of hope and rebirth
With a heart so full it seemed to consume her

I sometimes think that I am May
I feel the pain of those who suffer so acutely
It is as if I too am suffering

A bleeding heart, someone once called it
If other’s hearts bleed, then mine floods
Gushing wildly with the tears and pleas
Of those who are downtrodden, oppressed, and heartbroken

May died of a broken heart
So filled by the sorrows of the world
That she simply could not hold back the dam
And the floodgates opened until she had drained all of her very being
Emptied out to God and humankind alike
The sacrifice of a pure and gentle soul

Sometimes I think that I, too, will die of heartbreak
That I cannot bear to hear and see the suffering of my people
All people

My heart is full of love and compassion
To the point where I think it should burst
Yet it is weighted with the chains of cruelty, dehumanization, and prejudice
It is my daily struggle to balance the love and the hate of the world with my heart
Before the chains around it will tighten
And cause it to simply burst into a thousand pieces

Leaving my once compassionate and caring soul
An empty chasm of apathy…

The Secret Life of Bees

2007-05-01T15:07:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting really regularly lately. I promise I'm still here. It's about to be finals week, though, so there has been lots to do. On top of all that, there have been several emotionally draining events and issues going on in my life to add to the stress load. *sigh* But with God's help, I will get through it all.

Spring really is the season of rebirth and new beginnings. Some things in my life have been ending, and others are just beginning. Yesterday was the last day of my Women's Empowerment Group, a bittersweet meeting of 8 strong women who have come so far over the course of this semester, yet still have so far to go. We have listened to each other's joys, sorrows, pain, and healing. We have worked to build one another up when those in our lives were unable to help. We have cried together, laughed together, ranted and raved and been angry together. These 7 other women have shown me the beauty that lies within every woman. The strength they have shown after overcoming horrible trauma and abuse is incredible. Each of us has expressed feelings of despair, loneliness, and weakness. Yet we are not weak. We may have long paths of recovery, discovery, growth and healing ahead of us, but we are not weak, for just by being able to come together and share our very deepest emotions takes tremendous strength.

The two leaders of our group asked us to bring something that empowered us to share with the group for the last meeting. Some women brought mementos and reminders of positive things, some brought poems and quotes that inspire them even in the darkest of hours. One of our leaders brought a box of beautiful stones, each one different, for all of us to keep to "remind us all of the uniqueness of this group, that will never be the same again, to keep each other with us always, as a reminder that though this may be the end of one thing, it is the beginning of many new and positive events. Even if you do not remain in touch, each of you has one of these stones, and you all know what they stand for. Keep them as a reminder of the rock of strength you all are, and have been for one another."

Then our other leader said that as a "final activity" we were going to do something different (normally at the end of the group we do focused breathing and/or meditation) She asked us to pair up with someone, face them, and take turns repeating the following: "You are a beautiful person, and I am so glad that you are in this world."

It probably sounds cheesy, even a bit cliche, to say that I cried yet again at this moment. How can such a small thing mean so much? I don't know why that felt so great to hear, and to say, but it did. Somehow it was a concrete affirmation of the love and friendship that I have found in these women, and in others in my life. I've posted before about how I am a firm believer in the "small things" yet somehow I had forgotten just how much of an impact those things have on me--I had become too focused on doing them for others.

Anyway, I have probably bored whoever is actually reading this to the point of being semi-comatose, so I'll stop. I just wanted to make this post to express my feelings. Writing really is cathartic, isn't it?

I want to end with something one of the women in my group said right before leaving, something she hoped that we could all take with us. As she went around the room giving us hugs, she said "Whenever you are feeling like you are at your lowest, that everyone is against you, remember love. Remember love in whatever form you feel it. But always remember that you deserve love, and you are loved."

So from me to all of you out there: You are loved.

Shalom,

Hila

Truly a Tragedy

2007-04-17T08:34:00.000-05:00

By now, I am sure, most have you are aware of the terrible tragedy that occurred at Virginia Tech yesterday. I don't have much to say on the subject, other than it breaks my heart, and shakes me to my very core.

I am sure that we are all praying for the families and loved ones of all those touched by this horrible event.

Freak Out Time

2007-04-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

Ok folks...Or, RaggedyMom * Umm...So I'm in a bit of a pickle. Well, not really a pickle, so much, but I'm nervous. You see, I regularly attend Shabbat services at our University's Hillel but this week is different. That is because I have been asked to lead the Reform Services tonight. I've helped out in some way or another before when they've needed someone (High Holiday services, etc) but this is the first time I'll be completely on my own.

I have no qualms about it, in fact I'm honored that they would ask me, and also it's a boost to my already inflated ego because I get to sing but not only do I get to sing, I get to be in charge! Bwuahahahahah!!! Mmmm k, so I am a little evil. I'm ok with that ;-)

You see, while I consider myself to be very religious, and I try to live the most frum life I can, I don't always attend the Orthodox services at shul. Don't get me wrong, my rabbi "rocks my world" though I am not married to him! I have a great relationship with him and his wife, I have been a guest in their home, I babysit their children, etc. So it isn't because of that that I don't go to Orthodox services. No, it's because they are so freaking long and slow and boring. I went to a conference this past fall and attended Orthodox services at the Hillel at the college I was visiting, and it was AWESOME! Upbeat, enthusiastic, so full of joy and life. I was almost a bit scared that I'd accidentally walked into some Baptist revival or Evangelical service--just kidding! But the point is that I actually felt like I was a part of the service. Trust me, I understand that halacha about the mechitza, kol isha, etc. That doesn't bother me so much as the annoyingly monotonous and somber tone of the services at my Hillel. I think we need PT to come help us out and show us how it's done! Maybe it's because all of the men in the Orthodox services are completely tone deaf and they all seem to be obsessed with competing with each other to see who can be the loudest (and most off-key). I mean, "make a joyful noise unto the Lord" should apply regardless, right?

Anyway, so most of the time I attend Conservative or Reform services, depending on my mood. Thus, I am at least not completely in the dark about how the whole deal breaks down. I know which prayers are always done, which ones sometimes get thrown in, etc. (Pause) 1:15 p.m.

UPDATE 3:00p.m,: I just went to Hillel and got a Reform Siddur and the JCSC Intern was kind enough to go through it with me and make notes about which things we repeat, skip, or do in some odd fashion, so I feel much better about that.

Not that it would be a huge deal if I flubbed up a little bit, but I definitely want to make sure that I at least have a pretty good grasp on everything. It will probably be a small crowd anyway since it is Mom's Weekend here, but if need be I can always ask someone what tune they want to sing for a prayer or if they want to add something in--that's the beauty of Reform services, it's much more relaxed and therefore there isn't as much pressure on me (or anyone) to be perfect.

Alrighty, I guess I'm done babbling now. Time to read this week's parsha and try and come up with a meaningful d'var.

*You're the best! Thanks for the support!

My First Passover Seder

2007-04-05T17:51:00.000-05:00

Hello there J-bloggers! Sorry it has been an eternity since I've posted--I'm sure the 2 people who actually read this have since given up on me! School has kept me so stinkin' busy lately that I haven't had time to sit down and write anything worth reading. I'll post an update about what's been going on lately sometime in the next couple of days. For now, I thought I'd share my first Pesach experience.

You see, I "officially" decided to convert to Judaism in the Fall of 2005. In the Spring of 2006, I had to move home for various reasons, and did so right around Purim. Being from a small town (I mean reaaaallly small--4000 people give or take) there aren't any other Jews, let alone a shul. Anyway, suffice it to say that there wasn't really a way to get to a seder or do anything for Passover last year. So this year was my first official seder. (Ok yes I know there are seders on the first two nights, so I really mean my first two, but whatever, it sounds awkward)

Anyhoo... I don't really know what I want to write here. I mean, y'all know how the whole deal works so it's not like I have to explain it. I guess it was just an interesting experience for me. It was a "homestyle" seder so it was a combination of Hebrew and English---thank goodness for me because my Hebrew reading is slooooow! It was relaxed and fun yet meaningful and spiritual at the same time. There were students from all different backgrounds, so I didn't feel lost and everyone was like "Mazel tov that this is your first Pesach seder."

Just reason 5,30481 why I love Judaism and Jews :-)

Chag Sameach everyone! Hope your Pesach has gone off without a hitch so far

-Hila

On being grateful...reflections on life...

2007-02-26T15:48:00.000-06:00

I had an interesting conversation with my friend, Elya, yesterday. He called me on the phone to chat because we hadn't talked in quite some time, and we ended up talking for well over 3 hours! No, no, don't get the wedding invitations ready just yet! Elya is a dear friend, and someone I look up to for guidance when I am studying Torah.

Elya is also someone I can confide in without fear of judgment; he knows things about me that most people will never know. He is a baal tshuva (is that right? my terminology is horrendous, my apologies!), born to Jewish parents but raised with no Jewish identity. I'll save you all my story, you can read it here.

Anyway, the other evening we were on the phone with one another, studying the Book of Daniel in depth and I was asking him some questions because my History of Judaism class had recently discussed this book of the Bible and I wanted to get some further insight and clarification from him.

Before that, however, we had to catch up on one another's lives over the past couple of weeks, as we had both been busy and unable to be in touch. He asked me how my conversion was going, how school was going, etc. I told him how I have been feeling lately, how I seem to be at somewhat of a standstill (with the conversion process) even though I am studying on my own and learning as much as possible. Elya being the great friend and kind soul that he is, picked up on the fact that I was feeling down and a bit discouraged. I confided to him that yes, I was feeling low, because lately I have been feeling as though I don't exactly "fit in" with my more religious friends. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and I am grateful to have them in my life, but there are certain things that I don't think they'd ever quite understand about me. Maybe that's not fair, maybe they would, but the truth is that I'm too scared to tell them because I am afraid they will judge me. They are all FFB's, and while I know that doesn't mean that they are perfect by any means, it does color their view on the world and the experiences they've had within it. Elya knows my past, knows what I've been through--my struggles and my pain--and he embraces me for it and doesn't tell me that I am ever wrong, he simply guides me to something that will help me when I ask him to, or listens when all I want is to vent. He's not perfect, either. He's had a rough life, and yet, he is one of the most compassionate and warm people you will ever meet.

Anyway, after confiding to him how I felt, he decided to tell me a bit of wisdom that the Lubavitcher Rebbe (may he rest in peace) once said in regards to those doing tshuva. He told me that the Rebbe said (now don't quote me on this, I'm taking it from what Elya told me so I could be a bit off here) that someone doing tshuva is like an oil lamp. The flame is what's burning, what the person's soul is, that is becoming ever brighter with the study of Judaism and the devotion to G-d and His Torah. The oxygen that helps keep the flame from going out is G-d and the embracing of Torah, the ever-increasing knowledge and happiness from learning. But what keeps the flame burning from beneath? The oil surrounding the wick, which represents the person's past, their life experiences, what they bring with them as they enter their journey towards Torah observance.

So, Elya said, do not be ashamed of where you have been and what you have done, because that is the fuel that keeps your fire burning. You have a gift that others do not have; you know what life is like without Torah, and can in turn appreciate it that much more as you come to know it.

I cannot express in words how much hearing this lifted my spirits. I am so grateful to have a friend like Elya in my life, who can help me learn and grow in my Judaism, and keep me motivated when I feel like I'm faltering. All thanks and praise to G-d, for all of the gifts he has bestowed upon me. I am so blessed.

-Hila

I'm a liberal, but still...this pushes my buttons...

2007-02-21T12:55:00.000-06:00

This is from an e-mail that my father sent me. I have debated about whether I should post it but I decided that what the heck, I can say what I want and no one else has to agree with me. Normally, I am pretty liberal. I'm a compassionate person, I do what I can to help people--in fact I've been told all my life that I'm "too nice." But this irks me.
I suppose it's because I grew up the daughter of an immigrant parent, one who came to this country LEGALLY, learned the language, and eventually became a citizen.

The e-mail is in italics, my comments are in regular font.

This certainly puts it in perspective!
Let's say I break into your house

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!
It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country,
protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of
illegal immigration (actually, they aren't illegal immigrants; the word immigrant implies that you came here legally and they didn't ; the correct term is illegal alien).

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might
make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay
indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters:
· You are Required to let me stay in your house
· You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
· You are Required to Educate my kids
· You are Required to Provide other benefits to me and to my family
(my husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working
and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who
will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and
I'm just trying to better myself.

I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did
break into your house.

And what a deal it is for me!!!
I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep,
and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold,
uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you to learn MY LANGUAGE!!! So you can
communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America...

Feel free to comment and put your 2 cents in!

Please pray...

2007-02-15T15:22:00.000-06:00

I took this information from a Facebook group that my former roommate (and dear friend) started. It is for her cousin, Luke Kinsella.

I don't know all of the details, just what was on the site. They are asking for prayers, and I figured that if I put the word out maybe God would get our message just a little bit louder. It can't hurt.

Hello Everyone. As some of you may know, my cousin Luke was admitted to Children's Hospital on 1/30/07. On 1/31/07, he underwent a bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap and received his first chemotherapy treatments. From these tests, the doctors determined Luke has pre-B cell acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL).

You may not know him personally or me either but all that we are asking is that you pray for him. Luke is a 3 year old boy who lives in Minooka, IL and was diagnosed the day after his birthday. Please keep him in your prayers Thank You.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!...Or, why I strongly dislike my University

2007-02-13T08:43:00.000-06:00

So most of you folkies out there have probably already shlepped your kiddies off to school and have heard the weather reports for those of us who live where the weather is, how shall I say, not so kind in the winter. Where I live we have winds blowing North at upwards of 25 m.p.h. and have already seen 5 inches of snowfall since last night. The temperature (without windchill factor) is 20 degrees Farenheit. There is a Winter Storm Warning in effect (um, DUH). And that's just what the Weather Channel says. Now let me give you the weather report as seen from my dorm room window:

Icicles have formed on my window---how does that happen? My window is a FLAT PLANE OF GLASS and I don't have any awning of any kind....wtf, mates?

Snow appears to be very icy and is blowing in an almost horizontal fashion. Wind gusts swirling up snow repeatedly look as though a tornado is about to start. Snow falling is indistinguishable from snow blowing on account of aforementioned gale force winds. Winter Storm conditions have been confirmed and all personnel are advised to seek shelter. Do not engage the enemy weather demons at any cost.

*Ahem*
Moving on...

Have I mentioned lately that I love my Mom? Because I do. If it were not for her, I would have bundled myself off and shlepped off to class--only to find out that today's classes are canceled and my frozen appendages suffered for nothing.

You see, I arose at 8 this morning (an amazing feat for a college student when he/she doesn't have class for an HOUR AND A HALF--15 minutes prior to class is considered plenty of time where I go to school)

I checked my e-mail, hoping against all hope that my professor would have written to say that he was canceling class, but no such luck.

I turned on the local news channel to see if my college had been listed as closed, but alas, my hopes were dashed yet again.

I then decided to mute the t.v. and give up hope of having any miracles occur--I didn't have much hope to cling to in the first place, as my university has only canceled classes once in twenty---yes, twenty---years. But thanks be to God, a miracle indeed has occurred. And at precisely 8:56 am, the Chancellor of my beloved university proclaimed, via email, that classes for today are, in fact, canceled.

Which is great, but now it negates my awesome rant that I was going to post around 8:30 when I emailed my poor father to rant and rave about, among other things, the fact that I would have to go to school today while my lil' brudder wouldn't have to.

But maybe I'll post it anyway, just because it was so nice and rant-y...We'll see. For now, it's time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fact that I don't have to go outside.

Sending you warm thoughts from the Midwest,

-Hila

Jews in the Media

2007-02-08T03:26:00.000-06:00

Ok folkies, I'll admit that this post is probably not going to rate high on the "interesting" scale, but what can ya do? It's from one of those diary entry thingies that I've been doing for my Religious Studies classes--so there you go. Inspiration for this post came from this site

Emblems and symbols of Judaism seem to be more and more apparent in American television and pop-culture these days. It has been talked about for quite some time that Jews are over-represented in the performing arts--there are only about 6 million Jews in the United States. The new trend, however, is people who are not Jewish playing with dreidels, using Yiddish words as slang, and otherwise displaying bits of Jewish culture without actually identifying as Jewish. The television show, "The Knights of Prosperity" features the cast members in a Judaica shop in Queens--they are Black, Indian, Latina, Italian, and Irish. On "Grey's Anatomy" Sandra Oh plays Dr. Cristina Yang, who identifies as Jewish when helping her castmates through the ritual known as shiva even though she only sees her Jewish stepfather on Yom Kippur and openly admits that she is not religious. Celebrities such as Madonna and Demi Moore sport Kabbalah bracelets and have gotten into Jewish mysticism. Yet there seem to be few characters who are fully Jewish who are able to embrace their heritage and faith in the media. Sure, there are those comedians and actors such as Fran Drescher and Adam Sandler--but even they are portrayed in such a kitschy, over-the-top manner that they are not allowed to be viewed as "normal". What does this say about our culture? Are we just trying to be inclusive--or are we compensating for the overwhelming amount of anti-Semitism all around us?

-Hila

School is Poopy...and other fun things!

2007-02-02T09:22:00.001-06:00

Hey there, peoples! Many apologies for the lack of posting this week. I have been super busy with school...*sigh*...Why doesn't anyone understand that I'm a COLLEGE student? Don't they know I'm too busy to do any work? :-P Jk jk, of course!

Not much new here...I have been invited to be a guest of the Rabbi & Rebbetzin Elana for Shabbat this week, so that is exciting. This will be the first time that I will have spent Shabbat with someone's family, in their home, so I am so thrilled. Up until now, I have just gone to our campus Jewish centers (we do have two), which are perfectly wonderful and I enjoy them, but I know that it is nothing like actually having Shabbat at home.

Let's see...What else is new? Classes are frustrating---I just wanna graduate already! Dang it! And of course the real kicker is that, while I'll be pretty much done (save for 3 hours for a Senior Capstone Course) with everything for my degree and my general education requirements after this semester, I technically don't have enough "hours" to graduate. Stupid university just wants to suck more money out of me. Harumph! Oh and wouldn't you know that the Senior Capstone Course is only offered in the spring, and it conflicted with the rest of my schedule this semester so I couldn't take it, so instead of being able to take a couple of summer classes and next semester, I will be at this place another year. Pffft to that!

Ok, I promise to stop being bitter now. I just want my freaking DEGREE already! Grrr...

At least it's only -7 with the windchill today. Hooray for the little things ;-)

Shabbat Shalom, everyone!

I'm a poet and I didn't know it! Ok, yeah I did...:-)

2007-01-27T17:54:00.000-06:00

Here is my lame attempt at poetry. Don't laugh, ok? I'm taking a creative writing class that my friend Aliza recommended to me (she's in it). It's an "Intro to Poetry Writing" class, and so far, it's been pretty fun. The teacher is absolutely nuts but he's hilarious, so it makes for a good time. You see, I'm not a stranger to the world of poetry, I've been writing my teenage angst-ridden musings for years. I've even been published (wouldn't you all just like to know where? Well I can't tell you because then you'd know my *real* name) :-p. But maybe sometime I'll post the poems that got me published on here, because I doubt that anyone has actually ever read them before. Anyway. This poem is a work in progress, feel free to leave comments on what you like/dislike, etc. Thanks!

Matthew
Standing there
cold and pacing.
A chance meeting,
I knew you in high school
Making conversation
How have you been and what's new?
Being friendly because we're glad to see a familiar face--
someone from home, because we fancy ourselve part of an elite--ha, yeah, elite--
group of people known as "People Not from Chicago or the Suburbs"
and it unites us.
We realize now that we were immature back then
And while I can't forget the hurtful words you said to me that made me uncomfortable with myself
I forgive you, even though it's just silently to myself, and I smile at you and chat about the past few years
I see you now in a different light
You're softer, sweeter.
Maybe you've changed, or maybe it's me.
I don't need your approval anymore,
there's no popularity contest to win
Just two people who knew eachother "back when"
When we were confused, hormone-driven teenagers who cared only about what everyone else thought
and didn't give a shit about our own well-being.
We just tried to fit in.
So we stand here, shivering and talking
And as my anger at those painful memories fades to pity
for the angry young man you were, and slowly melts into compassion and understanding
I smile again at you
Because it really was nice
To see you again
And you say I should get in touch with you sometime
I agree and say I will
Although a part of me thinks that you were just being polite
But maybe not--because I really do think you've changed
I don't know
So in case you really did mean it, I'll call you sometime
and we can stand there,
Shivering and talking.

Shabbos Goy

2007-01-21T11:31:00.000-06:00

Editor's note: I had to restart my computer because it spazzed on me so I lost most of this post. Please bear with me as I try to remember what I had written. Enjoy :-)

The inspiration for this post came about 8 minutes before Shabbos. You see, as most of you know, I am observant and religious, even though I am not "technically" Jewish since I am not finished with my conversion process. I don't have a piece of paper that "proves" I'm a Jew, but I am.That does not mean that, in every other sense, I am not Jewish. I am a Jewess. And I know that Hashem knows it. So my question is, why, if almost everyone I know sees my spiritual and religious growth and wants to help me with it, there are still some people who take the opportunity to point out the fact that, indeed, I am not "technically" Jewish?

I am having trouble writing this. I don't know how to say what I want to say without sounding rude or mean or just plain foolish.

Anyway, I guess I'll just get on with it. So 8 minutes before Shabbos, the Rebbetzin calls me. I had no idea who was calling me right before Shabbos, but since I didn't recognize the number I figured it was probably pretty darn important. So I answer, and it's the Rebbetzin. And she's like "Hila, it's is Elana*. I know this will probably sound like a really strange question, but I have something to ask you." At this point, I have a slight inkling of what might follow, but am still pretty much in the dark. She continues "Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Riiiight, I think to myself, I can see where this is heading. Sigh. "I was wondering if you could come to my home tomorrow and help me walk to [our shul]. I would need you to push the double stroller with Zahava* and Eytan* in it, and Reut* and I would walk with you."

*pause for me to process said request*

Another sigh.

Anyway, the conversation continues for a couple of minutes, with Elana asking me if I mind helping her, and if I have anything going on, to which I reply that I was planning on meeting some people for lunch around 1 but that other than said lunch I was free for all of Shabbat. She continued to explain to me that she and the Rabbi just got the go-ahead from their Rav to (in essence, hire a Shabbos Goy, although those are my words, not hers). She continued by saying that of course, she would pay me for my time spent getting to and from their house and the time walking/pushing the stroller. I said I understood. She then asked if I have a car. In almost utter disbelief, I said no, as a matter of fact I do not. As if that matters? If I had a car I sure as heck wouldn’t be driving it on a Saturday afternoon! *grumble* She seemed a bit taken aback/upset by this, as she further explained to me where her home is located, which is about 1.5 miles from where I live (and I live about a block from shul). I reassured her that it was not a big deal, that I would walk to her house and meet her there. Because at this point, as you can now guess, I agreed. I don’t know why I agreed, it was one of those split second decisions you make where you just go “Ok, sure, yeah.” I couldn’t help it. I’m a helper. And Lord knows that Rebbetzin Elana is just about the most pure-hearted, kindest, warmest person I have ever met. So when she asked for my help, long before she even explained what it was that she wanted me to do, I immediately agreed. Of course, I was disappointed when I heard just what it was that she wanted me to do, to say the least.

Ok, I’ll give. I know that she isn’t around our shul that much, what with three small children and all, but it isn’t as if she doesn’t know me. I’ve baby-sat her kids, for goodness’ sakes! So anyway, I know, she probably doesn’t realize just how religious I am, because I don’t wear skirts and long sleeves every day, I sing in public, and don’t have any qualms about sitting next to men. All that being said, however, I am trying my hardest to be Orthodox. Or maybe I’m Conservadox. Either way, Shabbat is special to me. I do my absolute best, in my own bumbling and accident-prone way, to observe it exactly as it should be. Granted, I know I mess up. Hashem knows I mess up. And I think I’m forgiven. I mean, theoretically it doesn’t “matter” anyway, since I’m not “official” yet. But that’s the thing. It does matter. To me, it matters.

And it almost broke my heart when I realized what she wanted me to do. To break the laws of Shabbat. Oh Lord, oh Lord, what had I done? What had I agreed to? An overwhelming urge came over me to say “Listen, I’m sorry Elana, but I simply cannot do this.’ But I didn’t have the heart, after hearing how it had been 2 ½ years since she had been able to get out of the house on Shabbat, and how she wouldn’t have asked but she was desperate and didn’t know who else to call. Of course the part about not knowing who to call/being desperate was what hooked me in the first place, before I was told just what it was I’d agreed to.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Elana; she is the best. And I am always happy to help her and her family in any way I can. I just never thought this would be one of the ways.

I’m stuck. On the one hand, I am grateful to have the opportunity to help out Elana and her family, because I know that she was truly grateful to me for the help. On the other hand, I am saddened because I broke the laws of Shabbat and it wasn’t a matter of pekuach nefesh, not in the slightest. But then again, I find myself asking “what does it matter anyway?” And then I feel defeated. And small. I feel as if I am back at square one again, asking God what it is I am supposed to be doing and where I am supposed to be going. I’m lost. I suppose it really isn’t that big of a deal and I’m probably just blowing things out of proportion. I know that the Rebbetzin did not mean any offense or insult to me in any way, shape, or form. She simply isn’t capable of it, that much I do know. That still doesn’t change the fact that I was crestfallen when I learned what I had agreed to. But I believe that it would have been far worse to break my promise to such a great family than the injury to what I realize is, ultimately, my pride. But it isn’t just my pride, it’s my soul, my spirit, that have been wounded, if ever-so-slightly. I’ll get over it, and I realize that it is not the end of the world. Yet I cannot help but wonder
“Why did she have to ask me?”

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Back in Business

2007-01-17T20:31:00.000-06:00

Well hey there, folks! Sorry for the lack of updating lately. Just got back to school after a nice long break and I'm really not looking forward to the workload this semester. I'm taking 18 hours and I have 7 classes. Yikes! I am excited, however, about my History of Judaism class. You see, each week we have to write two "diary" entries about anything related to Judaism that we want to. They are informal and can be as long or as short as we want. So I thought, cha-ching! Blog material! Woohoo! And it's good for all of the 4 of you that read this thing because I'll actually have something oh you know, interesting to say, at least twice a week :-)

Ok, now it's time to get some homework done! See you all soon!

-Hila

Hälsning från Sverige!

2006-12-29T23:07:00.000-06:00

Editor's Note: I wrote this post on December 26th while at my grandparents' apartment, but Blogger was having some kind of issue (I think) so I wasn't able to save this draft or publish it when I wrote it, and I haven't been able to get online again until now that I'm back in the States. Oh well, I figured I'd post it anyway. Enjoy :-)

*WARNING* L-O-N-G P-O-S-T AHEAD :-)
Hey there, J-bloggers! Thought I'd stop by to let the 2 of you that read this that I'm alive and well. I'm still in Sweden visiting my grandparents, and won't be back until the 29th, so I probably won't post again until New Year's Eve. Hope everyone had a great end to
Chanukah and such! Things are going alright here but it has been a very stressful trip for all of us. It is especially hard for me to see my grandparents because each time they seem to have gotten much worse than the last time I saw them. I know it is hard for anyone to
see someone they care about deteriorate mentally and/or physically, but for my family it is exacerbated by the fact that my grandparents were once such lively, vibrant people--even just a few short years ago. They used to ski. swim, sail, hike, dance, and travel all the time--well into their 70's!!! Now, my Farfar (Swedish for Father's Father and what I call my grandpa) is paralyzed on one side after a stroke and while it didn't affect him mentally, the stress from trying to keep track of my Farmor (Father's Mother) who is growing more and more difficult to deal with as her Alzheimer's worsens and she becomes less and less functional due to her sciatica. It is just too sad. I am thankful that they are still with us, don't get me wrong, I just wish there were some way to improve their quality of life. I know they are lonely here, and with things getting more and more difficult to handle, I think that they may need to move into
full-time assisted living in the near future. Anyway...On to more pleasant (sort of) things!

The weather here has been unseasonably warm, and so far no snow (which makes me sad but everyone else is happy!) boo! We will be going to see some of my cousins tomorrow and I'm very excited about that, as I haven't seen them in almost 8 years! It will be a BLONDE family gathering, that is for sure. My three cousins, Caroline, Cecelia, and Catarina are all blonde just like me, plus my younger brother and mother are blonde. The rest of the crew is grey-headed so I guess I will lump them in with the blondies ;-) Ha ha. It should be a good time. I hope.

Oh, I'm sure you all are wondering how the trip here was? Well, fuggedaboutit. I ain't tellin' ya, cuz it was SOOO miserable!

So don't even ask. I'm not gonna crack.

Seriously.

Ok I lied. I want you all to hear about my suffering
:-p
So, I think we all knew it was a bad sign when we were informed that the first leg of our trip (to Chicago) had been canceled due to weather and delays in Chicago. But we all chose to ignore it thinking that international flights would be ok and we drove up to Chicago figuring that everything would be hunky dory. Oh no no no, sirree, that 'twere not so. Why? Oh, well, let's see. First off we went to the wrong terminal TWICE because they have redone things in the airport since the last time FamilyHila has been there. Then we finally get to the United area and are told that no, for our flight we have to go back to a different terminal to check in because the flight is really through Scandinavian Airlines and NOT United
(which is horse puckey because, as any of you regular travelers know, you check in with the Airline that you booked your flight with, regardless of which airline
is actually responsible for the flight). So we get to the SAS line and of course there are about 50 people and onl 4 people working the check in desks. Yippee. And of course we think we're all top banana because we get to go in the "Premium" line since PappaHila flies so much for work that he has a membership card and whatnot that entitles him to this shorther line, but does that mean jack squat? No, of course not, why would an airline want to do anything, ya know, LOGICAL?!?!? So we waited in a shorter line but an equal amount of time to check in, only to find out that our flight to Denmark (yes, why would we want to fly directly to Sweden when we could complicate the trip ourselves?I. Don't. Know. Ask PappaHila!) is
delayed approximately 5 hours. So we go and eat, and then figure we should look at duty free stuff only to be told that we'll have to put our stuff back because we can't take the liquids through the security checkpoint and that oh by the way the store on the inside is closing in 20 minutes. Well skit(that's Swedish for something I shouldn'tsay in English :-D).
So we go through security, only to discover that the duty free store inside the
waiting area was more like a kiosk and didn't have most of what we wanted. Whatever.

It was then time to "hurry up and wait" as MammaHila likes to say. We at least had some cards so we played rummy for awhile and we all had magazines and books to read, but man does waiting for 5 hours suck when you know you're then going to be trapped on an airplane for 7 hours. Or more like 8, in our case, because as soon as we got on the plane
apparently someone got sick and they had to get an emergency crew to come and get him off the plane, which literally took an HOUR!!!! Grrrr....and don't even get me started on the bratty little toddler who wouldn't stop crying the ENTIRE FLIGHT!!!! I am so glad I brought earplugs...Typical Scandinavian parents who don't discipline (or even parent) their children
just let the little bugger scream his head off without batting an eye. Now before I get a bunch of angry parents out there telling me that I have no room to talk because I don't have kids, let me say this: I don't have kids of my own but I might as well because my cousins all have enough to populate their own village and I take care of them a lot of the time, so I know a thing or two about kids' behavior and how to deal with them. I also would have given the boy the benefit of the doubt and said he was probably just tired and in pain from the pressure on his ears, but
this kid started screaming long before we were even about to taxi down the runway and didn't stop until several hours into the flight, which even then was only a momentary silence. Anyway, enough about the brat. I managed to sleep a good 4+ hours so I can't complain too much. We arrived in Copenhagen safe and sound and all of our luggage made it too, so that was a blessing. The bad news was that we had missed our original train to Linköping (where my
relatives live) by a looong stretch, and had even missed the second train that my aunt had kindly re-booked for us when she heard we were delayed, because that extra hour waiting on the sick guy to get taken care of cost us the time to make it to the train. (I know I know, shame on me, I really do hope the man is doing better). Anyhoo. So we were kind of in a pickle, because if we took the "night train" it would take us all the way to Stockholm first (about 2 hours out of the way) and wouldn't let us off until about 7 am. If we got a rental car, it would be PappaHila driving the 5 and a half hours it takes to get there because I'm not old enough to drive a rental car and MammaHila was too scared. If we took the bus, it would get us there more directly but would still take 6 hours and wouldn't get to where we needed to be until 3:30 in the morning. It was a meckofa hess. In the end we decided on the bus, which went smoothly and got us there intact. But boy were we all tired. *sigh* Let's hope my trip back
doesn't requre an entry this long!

-Hila

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to the tundra I go!

2006-12-20T11:57:00.000-06:00

Hello, blogheads! :-)

Yet another one of my quickie stop-ins to say hello and to let you all know that I'll be absent for awhile. I am going to be in The Land of the Really Blonde People and Lots of Snow visiting my paternal grandparents and some other relatives.

It's a good thing I managed to get my passport in just ONE DAY!!! Yes folks, I know they tell you that it takes 6 weeks to get a passport, but if you're sly and wily like Hila, you can get it in just a few short hours! How, you ask? Be a dingleberry and misplace your passport and not realize it until a few short days before your trip is scheduled to occur. Fill out all necessary forms and have all required forms of identification as specified by the gov't and be willing to shell out a large chunk of change and bada-boom, bada-bing, prest-o change-o rearrange-o, you'll have a shiny, new, United States passport in no time! :-D

Actually, I take that back. You'll have it, but you will have to wait for it. And wait for it. And wait for it. I am not joking when I say that you actually have to make an appointment to wait to see a clerk. Seriously. What. the. heck. I called and made an appointment, foolishly thinking that upon arrival I'd simply check in with a receptionist of sorts and would soon be pleading my sorry case to some desk jockey and then away I'd go. Much to my chagrin, however, this was not to be. Instead, I had to wait in line just to check in with the receptionist, who gave me a number so I could sit and wait 30 minutes (mind you I HAD AN APPOINTMENT) to speak to someone, just to in turn wait 4 hours to come back and WAIT AGAIN for them to call my name when my passport was finished, which I was informed would be processed at random...Egads is all I have to say about that!

Anyhoo, back to my trip to Sveeeeeden (aka the Frozen Tundra) Am I excited, you ask? Of course! I haven't seen my grandparents in over a year, so I am really looking forward to spending time with them. I am not, however, looking forward to the only 6 hours of sunlight a day and the -2384939843 degree temperature and the 4.23775 feet of snow that will be on the ground...Ok, ok, so I'm exaggerating. But not about the darkness. That's gonna be a trip.

Anyway, I'll be thinking about you all while I'm on my little vacation. I'll be back in time for New Year's Eve so maybe I'll post a little around then!

Wish me luck in my travels!

-Hila

A Home of His Own

2006-12-19T01:08:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone...

Chanukah Sameach! Just checking in real quick to say hello, and also to put up this
very important link to MOChossid's post about a wonderful boy called Judah. Please take the time to read his post and see if you, or any one you know, would be willing and able to give this sweet young man a place to call home.

Hope you are all enjoying your time with your loved ones and your latkes!

-Hila

So inspiring...Makes me believe in chesed again

2006-12-11T02:16:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know I am a sap, but I just had to post this video link. Free Hugs Guy--Juan Mann No doubt a lot of you have probably seen it already (it's been featured on Oprah). At first I thought maybe it was a joke, but if you watch the whole video, it's really awe-inspiring. What a simple act, and yet it can mean so much.

I'm a firm believer in the "little things." When I was a teenager, I wrote a speech once about how you don't have to think big to make a difference in the world. Small gestures, like opening the door for someone else, smiling at someone you pass, saying hello or simply waving can all make a positive impact. I'm a firm believer in these things, and I make a conscious effort to do them every day. I'm always amazed at the reactions I get. Sure, sometimes people probably wonder why I am smiling at them as I pass them on the street, but more often than not they smile back. When I hold the door open to a lecture hall or restaurant, I am always greeted with "thank-you" and "you're so kind, thanks so much" and the like. I'd have to be a liar to say that this doesn't make me feel good in return. I wouldn't call it an ego boost, but it certainly lifts my spirits and inspires me to take on bigger challenges. One small step at a time, folks. We can do it.

*sigh* Back to studying now. And I PROMISE my post that RaggedyMom
inspired will be up soon. I just couldn't pass this up for now!

--Hila

I've been tagged!!!

2006-12-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

Hooray! I've been tagged for my first blog meme! I'm going to post all of my "yes" answers in bold white and everything else will be normal text. I may add in some commentary in italics

Enjoy!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink I'm a poor college student, what do you think? :-p
02. Swam with wild dolphins I've never swam with them, but I've seen them from my Grandpa's sailboat, does that count?
03. CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN. Several different ones, in fact. Mt. Rainier, Storm King Mountain, and Mt. Fuji to name a few.
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive. I don't think they'd even let me on the lot! That is, if there even were a Ferrari dealer out here in the boonies!
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid Not yet, but someday soon, G-d willing!
06. Held a tarantula Eew gross, NO!
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone. Not yet, but maybe once I'm married :-)
08. SAID "I LOVE YOU AND MEANT IT" Yeah, to my family and friends...
09. HUGGED A TREE. I'm with Raggedy Mom on this one, I hugged everything as a little kid!
10. Bungee jumped. No, but PappaHila promises to take me sometime in the near future (when we can sneak it past MammaHila)
11. VISITED PARIS. Class trip after my freshman year of high school. 'Twas good times!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND SAW THE SUN RISE
14. Seen the Northern Lights.
15. GONE TO A HUGE SPORTS GAME. STL Cardinals, Seattle Mariners, Chi-town White Sox, etc...
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa.
17. GROWN AND EATEN YOUR OWN VEGETABLES. Yes, when I was younger we had quite the garden.
18. Touched an iceberg
19. SLEPT UNDER THE STARS
20. CHANGED A BABY'S DIAPER. Plenty of times. I babysit for my Rabbi's kids, as well as my cousins' and neighbors.
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. WATCHED A METEOR SHOWER. Yes, and it was AWESOME!
23. GOTTEN DRUNK ON CHAMPAGNE. I'm Swedish, I'm Jewish, and I'm a college kid. Triple strike right there!
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. LOOKED UP AT THE NIGHT SKY WITH A TELESCOPE
26. HAD AN UNCONTROLLABLE GIGGLING FIT Um yeah, a lot. Especially with my crazy and amazing friends.
27. HAD A FOOD FIGHT. Yeah, and my MOM was the one who started it!!!
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. ASKED OUT A STRANGER. On a bet, and it actually turned out pretty well. We're still friends, so that's a plus :-)
30. HAD A SNOWBALL FIGHT. Yes, I have brothers. Need I say more?
31. SCREAMED AS LOUDLY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. PappaHila is a retired Marine, and former Drill Sargeant and Master Sargeant. Try getting into a screaming match to see who is loudest. PappaHila will always win.
32. Held a Lamb.
33. Seen a total eclipse of the moon.
34. RIDDEN A ROLLER-COASTER. Yeah and they still scare the pee-waddin' outta me to this day!
35. Hit a home run *snort*
36. DANCED LIKE A FOOL.If any of you knew me in real life, you'd be laughing your heads off right now!
37. ADOPTED AN ACCENT FOR AN ENTIRE DAY. Yeah, MammaHila still complains that I sound like I'm from "Chicaaaaagoowww" whenever I visit on break.
38. ACTUALLY FELT HAPPY ABOUT YOUR LIFE, EVEN JUST FOR A MOMENT.
39. Had two hard drives for your computer.
40. Visited all 50 states.
41. TAKEN CARE OF SOMEONE WHO WAS DRUNK
42. HAD AMAZING FRIENDS
43. DANCED WITH A STRANGER IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY
44. WATCHED WILD WHALES. Once again viewed from Grandpa's sailboat.
45. STOLEN A SIGN. Yeah, I took a men's bathroom sign from a restaurant one time cuz it had fallen off.
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. TAKEN A ROAD TRIP
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach. Who stays up that late on purpose?
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland.
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. VISITED JAPAN. Actually, I lived there. For over a year. Konnichi wa!
55. MILKED A COW
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. SUNG KARAOKE. I've done it where it originated, even! And I DOMINATE the playstation game, "Songstar" so don't even mess with me! :-D
59. LOUNGED AROUND in bed all day. Again, I'm in college :-D
60. PLAYED TOUCH FOOTBALL. I have a gaggle of cousins. Go figure!
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed IN THE RAIN
63. PLAYED IN THE MUD. Here in college, we do a lil' something known as "Quad Diving" where we jump around in the mud on our Quad when its raining. Awesome times!
64. Played IN THE RAIN
65. GONE TO A DRIVE-IN THEATER.
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. FALLEN IN LOVE
69. TOURED ANCIENT SITES.
70. TAKEN A MARTIAL ARTS CLASS.
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight. What is that?
72. Gotten Married.
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. MADE COOKIES FROM SCRATCH
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. GOTTEN A TATTOO. I know, I know. Shock. Gasp. Horror. I got them before I learned that we (meaning Jews) aren't supposed to. So shoot me.
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. GOT FLOWERS FOR NO REASON
84. PERFORMED ON STAGE. I have been dancing since I was 6, acting since I was 11, and singing since I was 14. You do the math :-D
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a home.
91. Been in a combat zone.
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. SPOKEN MORE THAN ONE LANGUAGE FLUENTLY
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children. Again, not married...Although I guess in today's world that's not necessarily a pre-requisite...
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. SANG LOUDLY IN THE CAR, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery.
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication.
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback. I counsel survivors of sexual assault, so this is a pretty regular occurrence.
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray.
110. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART. So I've been told. But man, that sounds conceited. And depressing. *sigh*
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. BROKEN A BONE. My nose (lil bro smacked into me during a game of Blindman's Bluff) and my middle finger of my left hand (Cousin slammed my hand in a car door)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. HAD A FACIAL PART PIERCED OTHER THAN YOUR EARS. I used to have my nose pierced, but MammaHila practically disowned me for it, so I took it out. You can't even tell I ever had it.
116. FIRED A RIFLE, shotgun, or pistol.
118. RIDDEN A HORSE. I have been riding since I was about 5. I love horses!
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet. No, but I used to find garter snakes out behind my house in the woods and bring them home to show my mom.
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. No, but I've been to the top of it :-)
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states.
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. EATEN SUSHI. I lived in Japan. It's sacrilege not to. Although I'm not a fan of fish in general, so I don't make a habit out of it.
128. HAD YOUR PICTURE IN THE NEWSPAPER
129. CHANGED SOMEONE'S MIND about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school. Uh, I'm still in school. Duh. :-)
131. Parasailed
132. TOUCHED A COCKROACH. Only to smash it with my shoe/book/any other hard object I can get my hands on.
133. EATEN FRIED GREEN TOMATOES. Yes, my Midwestern family likes to think they are from the Deep South, so they actually MAKE fried green tomatoes. And let me tell you, they are A-MA-ZING!!!
134. READ THE ILIAD AND THE ODDYSEY. In 6th grade my Social Studies/English teacher told us the story, complete with voices and acted-out scenes. But I did actually read it my freshman year of college.
135. Selected one "important author" who you missed in high school, and read.
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. COMMUNICATED WITH someone without sharing a common spoken language.
139. Been elected (dictator) to public office. Not unless being elected Secretary for F.C.C.L.A. counts???
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream.
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. DYED YOUR HAIR. I got tired of being platinum blonde my sophomore year of college so I went to auburn red. I had to dye my eyebrows too because they are so light. I was tired of it about 2 months later and it was so ridiculous to keep up, so I went back to my signature blonde. People recognize me this way :-)
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

That was fun! Ok, now I'm tagging:
Chana (Jewess with Horns)
JewCess
Saffron

Thank you, thank you---I'll be here all week

2006-12-03T14:16:00.000-06:00

A big thanks to RaggedyMom for mentioning me in her post "International Promote-a-blog Week"

You definitely should check her blog out, if you haven't already. She's definitely one of my new favorites! And I just happened to read her latest post, and it has inspired me to write my next one--hooray! Too bad I probably won't get to write it until next week.

I have a final this week and it's also the last week of class before finals, so it's time that I hole myself up in the library fowevew (*Homestar voice*)

In other news, today is indeed my Birthday. Gratis på födelsedagen to me :-)

Hope everyone had a good Shabbat, I know I did! Until next time, as we say in Sverige, "Vi ses" ("See you later", literally "We will see eachother in the future")

More on all that stuff next time, though! Ta ta!

--Hila

Hello again!

2006-11-27T13:22:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say hello again and that I hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving! I know I certainly did. I was definitely proud of the way my pumpkin and apple pies turned out! Apple pie is my specialty, but I'd never made pumpkin pie before, so I was a bit nervous.

Anyhoo...Now I'm back at school, and let me tell you, I can't wait to be done! Only two more weeks of class, and then finals. Thank goodness. Blogging will be somewhat limited in the next couple of weeks, probably, but I hope that those of you who actually do read this don't disappear completely! I promise to post at least once a week, ok? :-)

Alrighty, time to get crackin' on my homework (yeah, right!) hahahah

--Hila

Thangksgiving...

2006-11-16T12:13:00.000-06:00

Hello there, Blogland!

So, I had a bunch of *great* ideas for posts, and somehow in the miraculous act known as sleep, I lost them all. So alas and alack, I've got nothing. Cwap

Oh shoot! I just noticed this little warning doo-hickey that says there's a scheduled outage for 12:30, and it's 12:19 right now. It also says PST, so maybe I don't have to worry...But just in case, I'll stop for now and come back later.

The only real point I had to making this post was to announce that I'll be venturing even further into the cornfields (known as "home") for Thanksgiving break, but first I'll be spending Shabbat/ the weekend in Chicago (and hopefully making it to Milwaukee on the 18th!). I'm really excited because I'm heading up this evening, and so before Shabbat tomorrow MammaHila is going to go shopping with me! Woohoo...'Cuz ya know, I have to by birthday presents and what not...Seems like every darn relative I have has a birthday from Nov.1- Jan. 31st...Hmmm...Interesting point to ponder. But I digress. Bottom line is I need to get busy. Wish me luck dashing around and avoiding all the Christmas shoppers who will no doubt be all decked out in red and green splendor and buying like crazy. This will undoubtedly include MammaHila, who goes nuts at Christmas. Should be good times, as always!

Have a safe and happy Shabbat, as always! And a great Thanksgiving surrounded by your loved ones if I don't get to post again for you all before then!

--Hila

Dad is great! Gives us chocolate cake!

2006-11-13T15:36:00.000-06:00

Click on the title for the link to PT's original post. Read on for my thoughts that are only related to said post in terms of the fact that they are about my Dad:

This post is dedicated to my adorable, goofy Dad. I call him Pappa, actually, and have since I was little. I can remember all of my friends at school looking at me funny because I didn't call him Dad or Daddy. But he wasn't Dad. He wasn't Daddy. He was Pappa. I didn't know why until I was a little older, I just knew that I didn't call him anything but Pappa. My Mom tells me that when they got married, he insisted that no matter what, the children were not going to call him Dad or Daddy, it was going to be Pappa or else they'd call him by his first name, but he wanted them to use the Swedish word. I'm almost 22 and I still can't bring myself to call him anything but Pappa.

Anyhoo, over the years many a person has commented on how much I resemble my dear old Pa, both in terms of looks and personality (I've yet to determine if either way is complimentary, but alas). My Pappa is a character, someone I look up to immensely yet often find myself groaning in embarrassment from in front of other people. Of course, as PT (and Shfira, too, I believe) has said, parents live to embarrass their kids, and I think this is especially true of fathers, because we all know that wives are really second moms to their husbands. ;-)

My Pappa is funny. He's smart. So smart, even, that I kid you not, many of my friends are convinced that he's a spy. Obviously, we will never know, for if he is/was, he cannot tell us about it. But we get a kick out of dreaming up crazy spy stories and adventures for PappaHila to go on, fighting evil and terror worldwide! LOL.

The reason I was inspired to write this post was a conversation I had with my Pappa this weekend. You see, the school I go to has a Dad's Weekend in the fall, and a Mom's Weekend in the spring. So PappaHila came to visit me for the weekend. It is a rare occasion that I get to spend one-on-one time with my pops, so it was a great time. It was especially great to get to talk to him about a variety of things, instead of just the usual things we talk about, like school and financial aid and all the minute details of life. Instead, we had a really interesting and lengthy talk about religion. I guess I've never really talked too much on here about how I've come to want to be Jewish, and I'll save it for another post 'cuz otherwise it'd take forever, but suffice it to say that my Pappa did not grow up being religious at all. He told me this weekend that he pretty much decided around the time of his Confirmation in the Lutheran Church (which used to be the State Church of Sweden, when PappaHila was growing up there) that he thought it was pretty much poppycock and that he wasn't going to swallow all the hoohah that they were trying to push down his throat. Instead, he says, he decided that he'd figure out what religions/G-d/spirituality were all about on his own, in his own way, and on his own terms. Hmmm, so THAT'S where I get my independent/stubborn streak from?? No way!!

So anyway, we were sitting in my dorm room, and he happened to notice the plethora of books on Judaism lining my shelves---I explained that some of them were for classes I had taken/was taking, and that others were just ones I found interesting. And that's when we got to talking about religion, etc. It was interesting to talk to my Pappa about this stuff, because he didn't try to lecture me about wrong vs. right or anything, he didn't try to tell me I was a nutjob for not believing in Jesus, etc. He just listened to me, applauded me for having done my homework and research, and told me that he firmly believes that the most important thing is for someone to find their own path, whatever it may be, that works for them and fulfills whatever needs they have. So, he said, if that means Judaism or Islam or Buddhism, then do it. "I don't have to agree with you to see your point of view." I couldn't agree more. I don't believe anyone else is "wrong" in the sense that they aren't entitled to fulfillment via religious practice just as much as I am because I've picked the "right" religion, I just don't identify/understand their beliefs because they don't make sense to me. And that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense because I've found what does.

I am so lucky that my Pappa is so understanding. Finding where one fits in the world is difficult, and religion/spirituality is often the most controversial one amongst families. Baruch Hashem, my father understands my need to do my own thang, and hasn't tried to make me feel ashamed for following what I believe. I am so lucky.

Public Service Announcement...I promise I'll limit these but this one is too important

2006-11-10T02:01:00.000-06:00

I found this little gem when I was being a bum and reading blogs---go figure, right? Well, as I've mentioned before, I'm involved in the anti-rape movement very heavily, and it's a cause that's very important to me. This pretty much sums up the message I give to the literally thousands of students I facilitate workshops for each year. I only hope that somehow, someday, it will get through and sink in.

ONLY RAPISTS CAN PREVENT RAPE

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. [F*], they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all. Instead of that [b*s*], how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.
Don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

If you agree, re-post it. It's that important.

Note:
This goes for any gendered rape, male on female or female on male or female on female or FTM on MTF or non gendered to dual gendered and so on and so forth....

-author unknown

Of cabbages and kings....Or, On Christian Fundamentalists: Man do they bug me!

2006-11-03T03:26:00.000-06:00

Tonight I decided to post an interesting conversation I had on instant messenger with one of my dearest friends, whom I'll call Chaya for the sake of this post. I was just soooo fuming stinking mad after reading this stuff that she showed me that I couldn't help but share it. I usually try to be as accepting as possible of other faiths/religions/spiritual paths/lifestyles, but this is just ridiculous...And people wonder why I turned away from Christianity!!!! (Not that I was raised in this kind of Christianity, but you get my drift)...

Note: Some of the language maybe be somewhat offensive to some people, although I don't think it would be considered inappropriate (no cussing or anything). Please keep in mind that this was a conversation between myself and a friend and we were both having very heated reactions to the information we were discovering...

With that said, please enjoy and feel free to add you thoughts and opinions in the comments section!

Chaya: OMG
Chaya: crazy fundie alert
Hila: lol
Hila: wha?
Chaya: http://www.createdtobehishelpmeet.org/
Chaya: also check out this bit of pious wifely duty: http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=75&tx_ttnews[tt_news]=81&tx_ttnews[backPid]=72&cHash=9044220656
Hila: WTF i can just tell from the URL that its fundie
Chaya: hahahhahahaha
Chaya: read that second link. itll blow your mind
Hila: lol
Hila: ok im on it right now
Chaya: the last page is the "best"
Hila: hahah i am waiting for it
Hila: God Hates DIVORCE
Hila: *yikes*
Chaya: more than beating people and raping kids, apparently!
Hila: yup
Hila: and you know what, this wackjob is SOOO wrong
Chaya: im so glad i dont worship that "god"
Hila: yeah no s***
Hila: i mean, divorce in Judaism is perfectly legal
Hila: in fact, husbands HAVE to grant a divorce to their wives if in any way they violate the ketubah (the marriage contract)
Hila: and this is just in a religious context, we're not talking civil
Chaya: right
Chaya: you knwo what i hate about christianity?
Chaya: notice how all the bible they quote is corinthians, romans, etc
Hila: umm i can think of lots of things
Chaya: why should i give a s*** what paul had to say?
Hila: yeah the occasional matthew, mark, luke, john
Hila: why is his word GOSPEL more than any other disciple of jesus over the past 2000 years
Hila: but rare....always corinthians and romans,
Chaya: i thought the gospel was supposed to be frickin jesus
Hila: i did too
Hila: um, maybe paul was really jesus? :-P
Chaya: romans is the one they pull out for the gay bashing, theres one about laying with another man or something
Hila: well its in leviticus ch. 18
Chaya: obviously paul is more important than jesus, he has like 10 books compared to 4
Hila: which is old testament
Chaya: yeah, theres leviticus and romans
Hila: but they fail to quote that because they REFUSE to follow the old testament, unless it suits them
Hila: thats another thing that doesnt make sense
Chaya: but leviticus, well when thees people start refusing to wear clothing made of mixed cloth, and when they keep kosher, ill take them seriously
Hila: they want to include the Old Testament in the "Bible" but refuse to follow it unless it fits their needs...Yeah no kidding! Thats what i was abotu to say!
Chaya: until then theyre just picking and choosing so they can justify hating gay people
Hila: exactly
Hila: there have even been many rabbis who have said that the translation of the words in hebrew in the sentence from Leviticus "Thou shalt not lie with another man as with a woman, it is an abomination/abhorrence" really is not meant to be taken so seriously
Hila: like, its not good because you cant produce children and therefore you're not fulfilling Gods will to the fullest extent, but it doesnt mean that you will be struck down by lightning
Chaya: right... and honestly, is the need to produce children in our civilization as pressing as it was for an ancient civilization that depended on kids for labor and population?
Hila: nope
Hila: and thats another point of judaism---a bit of a conflict amongst orthodox /conservative/reform jews
Hila: but still most jews have realize that our world is over populated as it is
Hila: the main reason ortho families have so many kids is because of the dying Jewish population, not so much because they want to populate the world
Hila: but you know what i mean
Chaya: right
Chaya: yeah and i understand that, but its not like its like "you are a sinner if you dont have 10 kids" like fundies are
Chaya: because its "what god wants"
Chaya: wow: But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is truly repentant (not just exposed) and is willing to seek counseling, you may feel comfortable giving him an opportunity to prove himself, as long as you know the children are safe. If there is any thought that they are not safe, or if he is not repentant and willing to seek help, then go to the law and have him arrested. Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution.
Hila: ugh see i just closed the page because i couldnt read any more
Hila: i didnt even get that far
Hila: but now i have to read it for myself!
Chaya: thats definitely the worst... theres also advice if you are physically abused. the trick is to be a doormat, and loving and not punish your man so that his heart will be warmed by how loving you are towards him
Chaya: If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets. I am not suggesting you do this to be vindictive or to get even with him. It must be done in humility and love. If your husbands knows that you are the weaker vessel, desperately seeking your survival and that of the kids, and that you are not trying to punish him, but that you are going to stand by and continue to love him, that you are going to wait for him to get out of prison and then try to start over again, it may move his heart to fear if not to repentance.
Hila: OMFG
Hila: SERIOUSLY I like want to report this it is soooooooo vile
Hila: I dont know who I would report it to but DAMN
Chaya: i know. what they are advocating is illegal... the part about forgiving your molesting husband because god wants you to... its a felony to knowingly expose kids to a sexual predator
Chaya: this same site has child rearing "advice" which pretty much consists of beating the kids into submission
Chaya: i heard that they had to wait until the kids were adults to publish it for fear of PROSECUCTION
Hila: where did you hear that? i mean abotu the waiting till the kids were adults---and what kids? their own?
Chaya: i think so. someone on my blog said that so i have no corroboration for that statement
Hila: hmmm interesting
Hila: where's the beating part LOL
Hila: these people should be turned into the police
Chaya: http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=35
Chaya: The following article is designed to be used as a resource in defending your faith on Biblical child training. If the Federal or State agencies take me to court over advocating corporal chastisement, this will be part of my defense.
Hila: WTF!!!!!!!!!!
Hila: Oh dear GOD!!!
Hila: who the hell can we tell about this---seriously i want to vomit even more now!
Chaya: i know. the sucky thing about the internet is its not within state boundaries.... i dunno where these wackf***s live, i assume someone has reported them... and im not sure of the law here. i am not sure if writing a book advocating child abuse is illegal, or if youd actually have to have evidence of a real life kid who is abused
Hila: yeah it blows.....grrr, ok, there they go again f****** quoting the Old Testament only when it suits them
Hila: let me tell you, Jewish parents DO NOT HIT THEIR CHILDREN
Chaya: oh god, im sure not
Hila: Maybe in some cases
Chaya: this seems to be a fundy xtian phenomenon
Chaya: i mean im sure some have but not because they thought gawd was telling them to

And that's where I'll leave off with that. Again, I'm sorry to any of you who are offended, or who do not agree with my interpretation/representation of Jewish beliefs. But it's my blog. I can say what I want. Gotta love the internet :-)

Fighting Fundies since 1984

2006-11-03T03:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, so to preface this post, I want to turn your attention to the illustrious Fred Phelps, if you haven't already heard of him. His various websites include www.godhatesfags.com, godhatesamerica.com, and godhatessweden.com. This man is BEYOND what I affectionately call "fundie" principles. The following is an email that I sent to the "Westboro Baptist Church" I put the title in quotes because, as far as I know, no real church of any kind would support the kind of hatemongering whackjob beliefs that Phelps and his family's "church" preach. Please note that much of this e-mail is intentionally tongue-in-cheek. Enjoy.

Hello.

I am a Swedish Jew. And a woman. So yes, I know, I'm going to hell,
according to your principles. I am curious, however, who is NOT going
to hell, then? If I am correct, according to what I have found at your
site, the following kinds of people are going to hell:

Gays/Lesbians
Americans

Now, if we expand that and look at it further, we see that that pretty
much leaves no one except for members of the Westboro Baptist Church
who are going to heaven, because the reason Americans are going to
hell is because they live in a country that supports gays, which are
considered an abomination according to the Bible. So, we can infer
then that non-believers are also going to hell, which would include
anyone who does not strictly adhere to the doctrine of Fred Phelps
and/or the Westboro Baptist Church. Therefore we can safely assume
that all peoples of other religions/beliefs, even within Protestant
Christianity, are doomed to the fiery depths of hell. This would mean
that approximately 4.4 billion people (at least) are most assuredly
going to hell (this is based on my research of how many people
identify with various belief systems throughout the world.
Christianity in all its variations comes in with around 1.6 billion
followers worldwide).Am I correct so far?

So, another question I have is, if you hate gays and America, in turn,
for "supporting" gays, then why are you still here? I mean, it's a
free country, after all---you can leave at any time and I'm sure no
one will mind too much. Now don't get me wrong, I am all for you
having your right to free speech---so I'm not about to tell you to
shut up. I really could care less, you see. I'm just curious. I mean,
America is basically an abyss of perverted nutjob sinners, so why
stay? How about Canada? You could move to Russia, too,
perhaps--Siberia is pretty deserted so there's no risk of crazy
fag-lovers there!

Oh, and about your stance on "Bloody Butcher Bush": shouldn't you be
praising him? I mean, your site clearly states that you wish the
numbers of dead soldiers in Iraq were exponentially higher than they
currently are, so shouldn't you be thanking Bush for sending the evil
fag perverts over to get killed? Call me crazy but I'd be dancing
around a bonfire chanting his name if I were you. Alas, I'm just a
stupid Swedish Jewish woman. What would I know?

Sincerely,

A tree-hugging-liberal-feminist-queer
ally-troop-supporting-America-loving-Swedish-Jewish-patriotic-flag-waving-WOMAN

Oh Fundamentalists/Extremists...How I LOATHE thee!

2006-10-26T19:05:00.000-05:00

UPDATE:
Editor's Note: I have changed some of this post because I realized that I was being unfairly critical and not keeping in mind that there are indeed fundamentalists and extremists in every religion (at least the 3 "major" ones). Since this post I have written about my distaste for Christian fundamentalism and extremism, but I have yet to work up anything about Judaism. Don't worry, though, I've been gathering some great material, and I'll be scribbling something down pretty soon here.

Wow. Words cannot even begin to describe how appalled I am by this article (click on the title of the post)!!! Now before someone jumps down my throat accusing me of being a Muslim-hater, just hold on to your socks there, folks, and let me explain. I don't approve of fundamentalism, in any form. I strongly dislike Christian fundamentalists (see November archives). I am also very much against Jewish fundamentalism. I don't think that any time where people go beyond logic and reason and try to impose their idiotic beliefs on others can be considered righteous or moral, regardless of the faith I choose to follow or which faith issues the decree. I value all religions and all faiths, even if I do not hold the same views that they do. I also respect people first and foremost for what they are, humans. Shocker, huh? Yeah, I know...

So before anyone sends me hate mail, please note that I will be posting more of my opinions on all kinds of fundamentalism whenever I come across it. All in good time, folks, all in good time.

Original Post:
(I am keeping the following here because I feel that it is appropriate material for those who are unaware of what the main views of women are within Orthodox Judaism. Of course, this is not the fundamentalist viewpoint, which as I said above, I'll get to sometime soon.)
In Judaism, women are beloved. They are mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters who are cherished and protected. Some might think that they are not viewed as such because they do not understand the halacha regarding issues of tznius (modesty--in dress, conduct, and thought) and about why men and women are separated in shul (synagogue), why women don't participate in leading services/read Torah, etc. Of course, to someone on the outside, this all would seem anti-feminist in a way, but it is far from anti-women at all.

Judaism tells us that there are separate roles for men and women, and respects both of these roles deeply and equally. It recognizes that the Jewish mother is the pinnacle of the family, she is the center around which her family's world turns. She is not a piece of meat to be abused, mistreated, and degraded. She is not to blame for someone else's actions. Tznius requires modesty in both men and women, and it is ultimately the fault of the person who commits a crime (such as rape) and not the victim "just because she wasn't dressed modestly."

As someone who is very involved in the anti-rape and domestic violence awareness movement, this kind of article appalls me because it suggests that the reason men rape is because of sexual attraction to women that they cannot control. This is so far from untrue that it is almost laughable! Rape (sexual assault, if you prefer) is a crime of power and control. It has nothing to do with sex, except that sexual parts of the body are used as a medium to commit a crime. Women who are dressed provocatively are not at fault if they are raped. Nothing anyone does is a rape-able offense. We can't "make" people hit us, nor can we "make" someone rape.

I know it seems easier for us as a society to blame victims for something terrible happening to them, but to blame a person who has been raped really puts us at risk because we choose to believe that we can prevent rape. The sad truth is that we cannot prevent rape unless rapists stop raping. We need to stop trying to educate women about how to protect ourselves against predators who choose to take advantage of them, and start teaching our sons to be accountable, respectable men who respect women and do not objectify them (hmmm maybe we should just make them all live in Jewish homes??? hahaha)

Look at it this way: we wouldn't DARE blame the victims of terrorist attacks for going about their daily lives and "being in the wrong place at the wrong time," so WHY do we blame victims of rape for what someone else chose to do to them?!?!?!?

Just something to think about...

So excited!!!

2006-10-17T03:50:00.000-05:00

I really should be getting to bed because it's 3:45 in the morning where I am, but alas, I am online reading blogs and whatnot! I am sooo super duper happy excited about this upcoming weekend!!! It's time for the XYZ Conference in ABC Town, Anystate, USA!!!! LOL!!! Originally I had put the real name of the conference/location, because I thought well, that doesn't really say where I'm from only where I'm going but after thinking about it a bit more I realized that the majority of people who go to said conference reside within a pretty limited area here in the US of A, so I changed it. Sorry. If you reaaaaallly wanna know, e-mail me and I'll tell you. Although you could wait until I get back, because I'll more than likely post about the workshops I attended, which will probably give away what conference it was anyway...*sigh* hahahah

Anyway,I went to this conference last year and it was such a blast, so I am really looking forward to it again this time! Unfortunately not all the cool people who went from my school last year are going this year, but it will still be a great time and I am looking forward to meeting lots of new people!

I'm already mentally packing all my outfits! hahahah I know, sad...But hey, a girl's gotta have aspirations ;-) jk!

I had the midterm from hell on Friday morning, but at least now things will calm down a bit for awhile...Yay for having my life back! Hahaha yeah, right, not for long!!! *sigh*

Other than school, not much is going on at the moment...Hope everyone is doing well! Look forward to reading all of your updates soon!

~Hila~

Relief

2006-10-10T01:43:00.000-05:00

Chag Sameach!!! Hope everyone is enjoying Sukkot!! Shabbat/Erev Sukkot was such a great time! Had a lovely service that I actually got to help with, which was such a joy! We had some students from a group on campus that basically study other cultures/religions to learn about them and help with multicultural relations, so I got to speak with them and explain some of the customs of Shabbat, as well as the whole Sukkot business. It's funny that I was one of the people to speak to these kids, 'cuz often I feel like I don't know nearly as much as the rest of the people at services, but they keep telling me that I know more about Judaism than they do, so go figure! Either way it feels good to share the beautiful parts about Jewish life with another person!

Tonight we had Hebrew convo class w/ our Israel Fellow...He is SOOOO funny! I can't help but laugh when I'm around him---bless his heart, his English is so cute!!! And his girlfriend is just adorable! I can't get enough of the two of them!

After the class, I skipped back to shul for hookah in the sukkah....So much fun! We had a really great turn out, too!

Things are going well here. Lots of school work to keep up with, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all. Working on getting in better shape/losing weight hasn't been going so great lately with all the holiday food I've been eating, but hopefully I'll be back on track soon! I hope everyone is happy and healthy!

Hila

Yom Kippur, etc...

2006-10-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

Gmar Chatima Tova! I hope everyone had a safe and easy fast. While I don't want to come off sounding like I'm bragging, I want to say that I am very proud of myself because I did manage to fast the whole time this time! I won't go into detail, but that's a big big big deal for me because I have some serious medical issues that require I take medicine which in turn requires that I eat, but after careful consideration I decided I would try and get through it and only eat if I absolutely had to (don't tell my doctor, he'd shoot me!) *evil laugh*

Anyhooooooo....What's new? Well, besides the fact that school=my life right now, not much. Learning more each and every day, trying to be a better person, etc. You know, the usual. Reading everyone else's blogs while not updating my own. I have to admit I'm not as techno-savvy as I thought I was! Darn.... Definitely need to read up on HTML coding, etc...

Oh, in good news, I have requested my official conversion application form---yes, this is it people, I'mma do it now!!!! :-D I have been wanting for so long to actually start the official Orthodox conversion process, but so many things seemed to be standing in my way. That changed this Rosh Hashanah, however, when I was introduced to someone (who shall of course remain nameless) who took the time to guide me in the right direction and help me get things sorted out that I needed in order to begin my "real" journey. See my first post as to why actually starting the official process would be/is difficult for me. (Main problem being lack of Ortho community around where I go to school/live---long drive to nearest place and I don't have a car) Baruch Hashem someone amazing who is on the same path as I am (has been practicing Judaism/exploring it for a bit of time but hadn't actually made the formal attempt to convert until now) has offered to let me accompany her on trips to the city-where- ojews-actually- live for Shabbat/classes. How amazing I feel about this!!! I cannot even describe it to you. I know some of you out there do not understand why anyone would want to convert to Judaism, and Orthodox Judaism in particular, and I can appreciate that. I did not understand that it was what I wanted myself when I first started studying religion. All I can say is that my soul truly feels at home among the Jewish people, I identify with the culture, the community, and most importantly, the religion. I have never felt so genuinely at peace than when I am davening and when I am at shul/amongst Jews. To those who read this and feel that I have no right to ask to be accepted among you, I ask for compassion to understand a "lost soul" who is making her way home. I in no way want to offend anyone, and if I have done so, or ever do so, please correct me.

*pause to wipe eyes* Yikes...See, this is what I mean, I get SUPER EMOTIONAL when I try and articulate my feelings about Judaism. I have never felt this before (and I wasn't raised without religion at all---quite the contrary, actually) I believe my soul was present at Mt.Sinai just like every Jewish soul that ever was or ever will be. I know it is true because my soul sings when I am among Jews, when I daven, when I perform every mitzvot of daily life. I am truly in awe of Hashem and I am so excited to be on this journey. And wow do I sound like some evangelical Christian whacko right-wing nut job on TBN right now!!! Wow, please excuse me. It's just my emotions are so overwhelming and this is where I choose to let them flow. So please understand. Or don't---that's your choice :-)

So, uh, yeah, anyway, I really feel like Hashem is opening up new doors for me in the form of the amazing people that are being brought into my life, and the wonderful things that have happened to me just in the past week or so. I am hoping to live up to the expectations he has for me, and to do my best to honor all of my commitments in the coming year. I hope everyone will be inscribed and sealed in the Book of Life for a healthy and prosperous year!

learning Hebrew...etc...

2006-09-12T23:23:00.000-05:00

Nothing much new going on here. Still recovering from a MAJOR sinus infection (gross!) but feeling much better... School pretty much consists of reading, reading, and more reading. Which is ok, since that's something I'm actually good at. Ha ha. Better than having to do chemistry or something awful like that.

Rosh Hashanah is coming up, and I'm excited for all the holiday festivities. I'm even taking the Rebbetzin's crash-course in how to read Hebrew (since I definitely don't know how right now) I have to say that I'm picking it up pretty quickly---I missed the first class last week and I still managed to pick up and follow along tonight at class! I think it's easier for me than for a lot of students because of my extensive knowledge of languages, especially ones that have different alphabets (and no, I didn't give myself away there, there are LOTS of languages that use different alphabets). Of course this class doesn't focus on actual understanding of Hebrew, but it's ok because a good portion of the text in the book is taken from the Siddur so I can follow it already anyway (I've been reading portions of the prayers with the transilterated Hebrew). Anyhoooooo.

I really need to daven now, my famliy is going through a bit of a rough time. A close family member is not doing well, health-wise, and we (my family and myself) are all quite afraid we may lose her soon. But I know HaShem will look out for her and all will be as it should be.

Well I hate to end on such a sour note, but I really am tired now and must get some reading done before bedtime. Plus, I want to watch re-runs of Project Runway :-)

Hope everyone is well!

~Hila~

back to school....back to school

2006-08-30T15:23:00.000-05:00

back to school...back to school

Definitely have the song from "Billy madison" in my head...

School started last week, and already it feels like I've been here for 2 months! So much reading to do, I think my eyes are going to pop right out of my head. Guess that's what being an upperclassman is all about...:-
Missed Shabbat services at shul last week, which was sad. The first Shabbat back @ school is always so exciting, so I'm disappointed that I couldn't go, but I had to go home-home in the afternoon so oh well.

Loving where I'm living so far this year, so that's a plus :-) I also like my classes (for the most part) which will make actually going easier. LOL. I'm taking a really interesting class all about Jewish culture & customs, which is going to be fabulous. I loved the professor from a class I had with him last year, and I can tell I'm really gonna love this class because it's everything I've been wanting to learn about but haven't had the chance/resources to do so. And hey, what a great excuse to buy a Siddur and a great book all about the Jewish Holidays??? I even splurged and bought a book I saw that was listed as required reading for another one of this particular professor's classes, the Jewish Study Bible: TaNaKh Translation :-D heheheh *chuckles gleefully*

I really wish I knew how to actually put links to things in here like Chana and RenReb and Shifra and all the other "cool" J-bloggers do. Hmmm....Cha-na! *calls to Chana for help* heheheh sorry girl, you got suckered in! JK JK

Anyway, time to get back to the reading...Take care, everyone!!!

~Hila~

so sad...

2006-08-02T13:21:00.000-05:00

Today is a "crying day" for me...

With all that is going on between Israel and Lebanon and everything, I just cannot seem to keep track of it all and it boggles my mind to no end...Add to that the fact that I have been working 24/7 (well not quite, but it sure seems like it)...So I don't have much time to keep up on the latest info. Of course it doesn't help that the news coverage around here isn't the greatest (suffice it to say that where I live, the Jewish population isn't exactly large and therefore, almost invisible...)

Anyway, that's not the point...I mean, it is important and it upsets me, but it isn't the only thing that's been on my mind lately... Mostly I have been sad that I haven't been able to study or learn any more about Judaism than what I had when I was still at school for the year. Not that that's anyone's fault but my own, but it makes me sad. Every day I want to learn something more, something that will bring me closer in my path towards Hashem.

I suppose I do learn something every day, through the blogs I read (goodness I've become addicted!) and the vast learning tool known as the World Wide Web :-)...but it isn't the same, somehow. I guess I don't feel like I've "learned" something until I've had an actual conversation with someone about it, until I've asked my questions and gotten some answers. But I feel so stupid sometimes, some of the questions I have seem so trivial and unimportant, and I have no clue who I should even ask.

My other big concern lately is finding a rabbi to actually help me convert...One would think that wouldn't be too much of a problem, seeing as there are plenty of rabbis who help conversion candidates all over the country. However, where I live...well, it doesn't exactly have a large Jewish community, and it certainly does not have a large Orthodox community. I mean, don't get my wrong, the rabbi at my shul at University is great--I've studied with him and the rebbetzin, and they have been more than happy to answer my questions...But the rabbi isn't certified/qualified (I don't really know he just told me he isn't authorized to do conversions) so I'm still sort of at square one. Hmph...

I suppose all of this sounds pretty pathetic, but hey, it's my blog and I can write about whatever I want. So there. :-P

Well, I suppose that's all for today...Time to get ready for work (again) :::sigh:::

PS: Shout out to Chana for helping me figure out how to delete/moderate comments--thanks a bunch!! :-)

hmm

2006-06-28T11:34:00.000-05:00

well, as you can see i haven't updated this since i started it...*sigh* i've been so busy with working and everything that i haven't had time...oh well...

lots of things going on...wishing i was able to study more, missing shul because of work really sucks...can't wait to be back at school where i can be with all of my awesome jewish friends and talking to the rabbi and rebbetzin again :-)

had to have a fasting blood sugar test done this morning so i am starving---time to go eat some food. take care everyone!

hila

beginnings

2006-05-12T03:26:00.000-05:00

So this is my attempt at making an "anonymous blog" seeing as how all the other ones I've had until this point have been pretty obviously mine...

I wanted a space where I could write about my spiritual journey and my path towards converting to Judaism. I wanted a place to say "this is who I am and this is why I have chosen this path" without fearing the repercussions such statements would have on myself and my family.

I wanted a place where I could sort out my wide array of personal contradictions, particularly my "culture clash" issues with being from a mixed heritage family and choosing a religion that no one in my family ever has.

I'm not looking for a huge fan base or any kind of ego boost, just
"putting my feelers out" to see if there really is life out there....

So that's it, in a nutshell. I hope that in finding an outlet for all of my random thoughts I may help someone else out there who is struggling to find a place in this world, to find out where his/her God is in all of this seemingly random string of events we call life...I know that my struggles and questions are not uniquely my own at their very essence: Why am I here? Why am I questioning what I know of God? Where should I go? What can I do? How do I do it?

Anyone who is questioning their religious/spiritual path/upbringing has these questions, not just those who wish to convert to Judaism, as I have chosen to do.

I also hope that this blog will be a way for me to find out more about the religious path I have decided to follow, and will help me better understand and follow God in all aspects of Jewish life.

Swedish, single, and....Jewish???

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

A long time gone...

D'var Torah??

"The Pimps' Slaves"

Wow

life...and other things

Apples & Honey

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Chipmunk-y

Rest In Peace

A decision no one ever wants to make

Testing, testing...1,2...

Oooh, look Ma, another meme!

I've been tagged! Aaaaaaah!

Testing, testing...1,2...

Farewell

Hebrew Names...Or, I stole this from Elie

...

Bleeding Heart...

The Secret Life of Bees

Truly a Tragedy

Freak Out Time

My First Passover Seder

On being grateful...reflections on life...

I'm a liberal, but still...this pushes my buttons...

Please pray...

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!...Or, why I *strongly dislike* my University

Jews in the Media

School is Poopy...and other fun things!

I'm a poet and I didn't know it! Ok, yeah I did...:-)

Shabbos Goy

Back in Business

Hälsning från Sverige!

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to the tundra I go!

A Home of His Own

So inspiring...Makes me believe in chesed again

I've been tagged!!!

Thank you, thank you---I'll be here all week

Hello again!

Thangksgiving...

Dad is great! Gives us chocolate cake!

Public Service Announcement...I promise I'll limit these but this one is too important

Of cabbages and kings....Or, On Christian Fundamentalists: Man do they bug me!

Fighting Fundies since 1984

Oh Fundamentalists/Extremists...How I LOATHE thee!

So excited!!!

Relief

Yom Kippur, etc...

learning Hebrew...etc...

back to school....back to school

so sad...

hmm

beginnings

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!...Or, why I strongly dislike my University